I must be on the mend...

...because this is the first time I've felt like typing anything since Saturday. 
It's been a busy week and a bit, and I had intended updating this weekend. Instead what happened was...
I went to the dentist at lunchtime on Friday, as far as I knew to get a chip in my tooth fixed. No. Apparently I was there to get the root canal treatment on that tooth (one of the upper right ones next to my incisors. No, not the molars, the other way. Those ones). The dentist was obviously in a mood to get a lot done, since he got his knees up on my chest and finished the root canal pretty quickly. There was blood and hair on the walls. 

He warned me that I might feel some pain when the anaesthetic wore off, and sure enough, it was painful that night. Not too bad, though, and I got in my car and drove to the cottage. I had some papers to pick up there, and was looking forward to a nice relaxing couple of days. Problem was, I felt more ill as the day went on, and despite loading myself up on painkillers, was in quite a lot of pain. And that night, I couldn't sleep. Shivers, fever dreams, the whole bit. I drove down early on Sunday, still feeling like crap, and then had another sleepless, fevery night. I was in no state to go to work this morning, so I called the dentist, and he had a look at the tooth, noted the swelling, and put me on antibiotics (nasty ones, apparently, which don't mix at all with alcohol). I'm feeing a bit better now, but I'm definitely taking tomorrow off as well, and we'll see how I sleep tomorrow night. 

What I had intended to update about was mostly work, and a little bit about personal stuff. I think I'll keep it to work, since the personal stuff remains pretty raw. 

I had a call on Tuesday or Wednesday from the Big Beast at Fujitsu who headed up the project I'm just completing, the one for RBS. Apparently we're in the running for a bit of work that would dwarf that, and he wants me on his bid team. Since it was Dorian asking, I agreed in principle, and he said he'd sort of the detail. It's an interesting piece of work, and it's not based in Edinburgh. The bid team are spread between Sheffield and London, and everyone seems to think I can do a lot of my stuff remotely. Dorian wants me on the job ASAP, the Edinburgh folk want to hold on to me for three weeks. My guess is I'll be in the new role on Monday. 

I have to remember that when you declare a desire to do more work in London, and do it within Ganesha's hearing, I really should tell him when that's no longer what I want. Ah well. We live, once more, in interesting times...

Oh, I was out with the lovely deililly n Friday, bemoaning the fact that no one loves me and I will die alone and unmourned. This was somewhate undermined by two friends contacting me in the course of the evening and arranging two blind dates for me. The fact that I didn't ask them to do this, that I don't WANT to go on blind dates and that I'm in no way ready to or interested in dating anyone hasn't stopped them. Ah well.  

On hearing the song for the first time since the break up...

It starts with 
"We're absolute beginners, and I absolutely love you"
or
"She's such a sweet girl, free of the taint of this world. Think that's a compliment? Don't be so full of sentiment."
or
"This is no time to kiss the staue, someone who only plays a part"
or
"Stones taught me to fly"
or 
"Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull."
or 
"My baby sparkles and shines"
or 
"Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull."

and it ends with, 

"You spurn my natural emotions, you make me feel I'm dirt, and I'm hurt."
or
"Well, the smart money's on Harlow, And the moon is in the street."
or
"When your day is long, and the night, the night is yours alone"
or
"It's a nice surprise to see you, and Christ, you look even better than before"
or
"And I'll drink and dance with one hand free, let the world back into me"
or (however inaccurately)
"When I woke up I was all alone, with a broken heart and a ticket home"
or
"Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull".

Listening to all of those songs this afternoon has been a little bit like masochism. 

But the point is, that I haven't lost any of them. I haven't lost Bowie, or Everything But The Girl, or Martin, or Damien, or FYC (or the Buzzcocks) or Old Tom, or Michael and the boys, or Ezio, or Uncle Warren, or Steve, or Bruce, Bruce! Broooce!!

They've stayed part of my life, down the years, down more than three decades, and the women I knew, and loved, and love still - they've stayed part of my life too, even if that part is defined by an absence.

From time to time, one of the songs will play in a bar, or a coffee shop (as one of them did this afternoon) and the words will hit me like a punch to the solar plexus, and my breath will catch, and I'll cry. I'll remember.

But it's a small price to pay, for the memories, for the triumphs and the failures, for the delights and the regrets. For all of the moments that changed my life. 

And at the end of the day...

I'll be looking like a born again...
Living like a heretic...
Making all my friends feel guilty about their cynicism...

Yes. I'm ready to be heartbroken. 

Dammit, can't believe I didn't post this with my last entry...

Steve beat me to the sentiment years ago, and he sings it so well, too...