I Do Not Have A Cat

[f4f3]

It's taken me a few days to get around to being ready to write this.

So...

I admitted Anna to the Vet School on Monday morning. She'd been there for nursing care over the weekend, and they advised that if I did want her to be scanned, to get to a diagnosis, then it should be sooner rather than later.

I agreed, and we arranged that she'd be scanned the next morning, and they made an appointment for me with an oncologist on Tuesday morning. Which, in retrospect, should have been a tip-off.

A slot with an anaesthesiologist came up on Monday, she was sedated and scanned, and the result was not good. At all. She had a major lesion behind her nose, which had spread to the lungs. Keeping alive, for however short a time, would have involved operating to insert a feeding tube, and beyond that there was no treatment with any prospect of actually curing her, and she was going to be progressively more ill, and she was going to die.

So I agreed that it was for the best that she didn't wake up from the general anaesthetic, and that was arranged, and she slipped away with no pain or fear or discomfort.

I feel like shit.

I'll feel like shit for a good long time.

But.

How I felt didn't really matter, and she went with no pain. I miss her. It hurts like a bastard. But there are other things in life, and I will keep very busy with them. Tonight I went for a guided walk, and I saw a beaver, where there have been no beavers for about 400 years in a lochan which was a puddle before it was dammed by the beaver family.

Which was a small miracle, and shows, to paraphrase Sorley MacLean, the world is still beautiful, though Anna is not in it.

Thanks to you all, for the kind and supportive thoughts.

Comments

[white_hart]

I'm so sorry. She was such a lovely cat.

[morgaine-x.livejournal.com]

Oh, Michael *hugs* - knowing this didn't make it any easier to read, so the writing... ach.

[ravurian]

You did a good and brave and loving thing by letting her go, Michael, and going with love is no bad thing. You keep your chin up and your powder dry, sir.

[rhade-rad.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear about Anna. I've had to take that decision twice now. About the hardest thing I've ever done and I still miss Hugh and Jegs.

However, I remember the good stuff and keep reminding myself that I didn't want them to suffer and they didn't.

Best wishes.

[zenicurean.livejournal.com]

I can sympathise with what you must be going through. I've owned cats in my time; losing one is always hard. Take care, and remember that you made the right call.

[coughingbear]

She was such a beautiful cat. I'm so sorry that the two of you aren't together any more.

[ms-chatelaine.livejournal.com]

I am still so sorry to hear it.

[chickenfeet2003.livejournal.com]

I'm sure you did the right thing, scant consolation that that is. I dread the day that I must do the same.

[radialcell.livejournal.com]

The world is still a beautiful place because she was in it as your companion and friend.

I am sorry for your loss.

[nicnac.livejournal.com]

She has a place in your heart, so she's still here.

[hano.livejournal.com]

I know it's not much consolation, but you did the right thing. Dammit, why can't cats live forever?

[ruric.livejournal.com]

Oh I'm so sorry - been there with both dogs and cats and it's never easy letting go, even when it's the right thing to do.