I Do Not Have A Cat

[f4f3]

It's taken me a few days to get around to being ready to write this.

So...

I admitted Anna to the Vet School on Monday morning. She'd been there for nursing care over the weekend, and they advised that if I did want her to be scanned, to get to a diagnosis, then it should be sooner rather than later.

I agreed, and we arranged that she'd be scanned the next morning, and they made an appointment for me with an oncologist on Tuesday morning. Which, in retrospect, should have been a tip-off.

A slot with an anaesthesiologist came up on Monday, she was sedated and scanned, and the result was not good. At all. She had a major lesion behind her nose, which had spread to the lungs. Keeping alive, for however short a time, would have involved operating to insert a feeding tube, and beyond that there was no treatment with any prospect of actually curing her, and she was going to be progressively more ill, and she was going to die.

So I agreed that it was for the best that she didn't wake up from the general anaesthetic, and that was arranged, and she slipped away with no pain or fear or discomfort.

I feel like shit.

I'll feel like shit for a good long time.

But.

How I felt didn't really matter, and she went with no pain. I miss her. It hurts like a bastard. But there are other things in life, and I will keep very busy with them. Tonight I went for a guided walk, and I saw a beaver, where there have been no beavers for about 400 years in a lochan which was a puddle before it was dammed by the beaver family.

Which was a small miracle, and shows, to paraphrase Sorley MacLean, the world is still beautiful, though Anna is not in it.

Thanks to you all, for the kind and supportive thoughts.

Comments

[rhade-rad.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear about Anna. I've had to take that decision twice now. About the hardest thing I've ever done and I still miss Hugh and Jegs.

However, I remember the good stuff and keep reminding myself that I didn't want them to suffer and they didn't.

Best wishes.