f4f3 | And something with which I cannot deal.

My dad was booked in for an angiogram on Monday. It's a long story, involving ongoing care, and a referral to a heart specialist, and being told he had heart valve damage, which had three different treatment options: control with drugs, fitting a stent, bypass surgery. The angiogram was to give details to allow them to decide on the treatment. On Monday he phoned to give me details about a charity ball we're going to at the weekend. While he was on, I asked him about the angiogram. No, he wouldn't have offered details. I'm surprised he even told me he was having the test done (last time he needed an op, I got a call from him telling me he'd gotten out of hospital. Never one telling me he was going in). Anyway. The test showed damage to three valves, not one, which puts treatment with stents out of the question. Today there will be a case conference to decide between drugs and a bypass. I'm wondering now if the decision is whether they think he's healthy enough to survive the bypass.

And I just cannot deal with this. Trying to think of it just reveals a big, blank space where my thoughts fall off the end of the road. My throat tightens, my chest constricts. I just cannot get further than thinking that this is not something I can deal with.

I'll hear more tonight, and we'll see each other at the weekend. But I just don't want this to be happening.