f4f3 | Dealing.

Or rather, not dealing.
There's a passage in one of Zelazny's books, where the hero talks about how much he hates being angry, because it shrinks his world, and encourages a rush to deal with the cause of the anger quickly, no matter how dangerous this might be.
I hate being helpless for the same reason. It shrinks my world. It means I give less time to things which are also important, and the time I do give is badly given. I make decisions that are short-term, and badly thought out. And I feel none the the less helpless.

So I'm trying to deal. I'm trying to think my way over, past, through or around this. I'll try to do that mostly by not thinking about it, by letting go, and trusting that the outcome will be what it's supposed to be. If I ask the world for an answer, I'll probably get it (I might not like it much, but hey, where is it written that life is fair?).

Walking, and trying to meditate yesterday lunchtime, I got this song at random. It's be Steve Earle, and it's called Transcendental Blues,

I'm at work, so no chance to preview the quality of that link, sorry. The lyrics go:

In the darkest hour of the longest night
If it was in my power I'd step into the light
Candles on the altar, penny in your shoe
Walk upon the water - transcendental blues.

Happy ever after 'til the day you die
Careful what you ask for, you don't know 'til you try
Hands are in your pockets, starin' at your shoes
Wishin' you could stop it - transcendental blues.

If I had it my way, everything would change
Out here on this highway the rules are still the same
Back roads never carry you where you want 'em to
They just leave you standin' there with them
Transcendental Blues.

It helped for a while, but the blues came back hard last night, and I was in bed by 9.30. These are not happy times. I know I will get through them - after all, consider the alternative, and I know whatever comes will be for the best. But these are not happy times.